A Therapist Supports Client Encounters with Loved Ones Who have Passed

BY: Shaye Hudson, MA, Psychotherapist & Clinical Hypnotherapist

There can be nothing more devastating in our lives as human beings than losing family members and loved ones. As a Psychotherapist and Hypnotherapist with a Holistic and Transpersonal (Spiritual) orientation, I often support clients who have experienced losing someone closest to them.

I had often wondered how a spiritual encounter with a deceased loved one would affect the grieving process. I wondered “What would you say or ask if you got one last chance to see and talk with them?” The day came when I would learn first-hand, the answer to my question  and then come to listen to the answers of those with similar stories.

People experience and cope with grief in their own unique ways and time. While some can cope with their loss and recover with the support of those around them, others experience deep and profound grief that can be debilitating. It can have a profound effect on their psychosocial functioning in multiple areas of their lives such as mental and physical health, personal relationships, work, and can even challenge or reaffirm their personal religious faith.

Some of the clients that I have worked with reported connecting with loved ones who have passed on from this life and possibly existing in the next. The term After Death Communication was coined by Bill and Judy Guggenheim, authors and researchers on this subject of communication with those who have died.  Some of the typical reports from their research have included dream visitations, sensing loved ones at the foot of the bed, hearing a voice, feeling a touch, smelling fragrances, and seeing signs that were meaningful and significant.

I have listened to family members, friends, therapy clients, and others share some profound stories of emotional healing. I will share two stories, one helping a woman coming to terms with the end of her life and another where the experience has served one in healing grief.

Janet's Dream Visitations in Hospice

I was providing care for a hospice patient named Janet. She was a mentally sharp woman in her late 80s, but her body was slowing succumbing to cancer. On one of my visits, Janet shared that she had been sleeping quite a bit due to the cancer.

This was my opportunity to ask her about her dreams. She said “I would tell you but you may think I am crazy”. I reassured her that I have a very open mind. Janet shared, “Well my deceased daughter and parents are visiting me in numerous dreams and preparing me to cross over to the other side.” I then asked, “Do you think this is just your brain processing emotion or is this a real spiritual experience?” She replied, “A real spiritual experience.” 

As a clinician working in hospice, one of my primary goals in end of life care was to ensure that she was comfortable both mentally and emotionally, so I asked did this affect your fears around death. Janet replied “absolutely, I have no fear of death now.” Imagine if her Clinician did not share such an open mind and chose not to validate her feelings. I am thankful to have been there and able to support her through a very difficult stage of her life.

Kayla's Agreement with Grandmaw

I was supporting a client by the name of Kayla who had been making trips back and forth from Atlanta to her family’s hometown a few states away.  She was visiting her dying grandmother who she affectionately called her “Grandmaw”, (Kayla would pronounce it long and drawn out with a thick country accent. She shared that her Grandmaw would say it would sound similar to an ambulance if I was wining enough). Kayla had been sharing over a course of our sessions that she had anxiety around the loss of her grandmother and felt guilty for living so far away from family.

Kayla was home one weekend visiting her Grandmaw in home hospice. While there her Grandmaw shared that she had a near death experience, where she went through a tunnel and went to a place of love, met other family members on the other side, and was told it was not quite her time. 

During their time together Kayla and her grandmother made an agreement that when she passed she would visit her somehow to let her know she was okay. 

Kayla is generally a skeptical person when it comes to things outside of the logical realm and she and her Grandmaw were often at odds about this topic, with Kayla often joking about her grandmother’s persistence in the existence of the afterlife.

Weeks later Kayla got another phone call asking her to come and see her Grandmaw and was told “It was getting close to that time.” Kayla went as soon as she could but she missed her grandmothers passing by just a few hours. She felt immensely guilty about the fact that she wasn’t able to see her grandmother again, especially since her logical mind told her Grandmaw’s fire, that spirit had ceased to exist.  Kayla’s very existence was broken by it.

She went to bed the night after her grandmother had passed and she couldn’t sleep well. She tossed and turned until finally she fell asleep from exhaustion. Then she started dreaming. In the dream, Kayla saw her grandmother with bright red hair. She knew how upset her grandmother was when her hair had been shaved due to the chemo so when she saw the bright red hair she knew something wasn’t quite right. Kayla has had lucid dreaming experiences before and noticed that this was a dream. However, this dream was different than the others.

She reported that it was very vivid and full of clarity and mindfulness. Her grandmother didn’t speak but did relay messages to her telepathically. She smiled with her bright read hair, red lipstick, and a rose in her hair. The whole time Grandma was relaying her messages she never stopped smiling. Kayla grabbed her tightly and looked her right in the eyes, knowing that this experience was the one they had discussed previous to her passing. Kayla mentally sent a message to the effect of “Are you okay? Are you in heaven? Someplace after death? Somewhere happy that you are happy?” Then a wave of confirmation hit Kayla and she knew the answer was yes. Kayla then asked something like “Do you still love me? Can you still actively participate/see my living my life? Are you still going to be around?” And another wave of confirmation hit her and this time it was filled with the overwhelming sense of unconditional love. Kayla let go of her grandmother’s shoulders and took her wondrous glare away from her grandmother’s eyes to hug and kiss her. 

That hug and kiss felt like an everlasting impression of emotional comfort that Kayla shared she can still feel every day and knows that she will have for the rest of her life. Kayla found a deep healing in knowing her “Grandmaw” was okay and at the same time creating a new spiritual opening and curiosity about life.

I have listened to these and other stories of those who had one last chance to see their loved ones, asked final questions, and got tell them that they love them. In many cases the one who passed on were coming to let them know that they were okay. 

Their experiences and their stories can have a profound healing effect on those who are grieving the loss of family, friends and loved ones. Experiencers also report that their fear related to death has diminished and I have personally seen how it helped those who may be in the end stages of life to accept their time of transition with more peace. 

It is my hope that regardless of what perspective that we both individually and collectively we take on these experiences, we can find the compassion and healing value in validating these very significant encounters for those who are grieving.

Shaye Hudson, MA, CH.t is a Psychotherapist and Clinical Hypnotherapist in Atlanta, GA with a Transpersonal orientation and training, who specializes in Spiritually Transformative Experiences. He is also a Reviewer for the Journal of Exceptional Experiences and Psychology.

www.growhealchange.com

How Mindfulness Can Help Anxiety

Anxiety is pervasive in our world today. From the poor economic climate, to traffic, to tragedy in the news, our culture contributes as well. Our modern society is busting at the seams with stimuli that trigger symptoms of anxiety in our bodies and minds.

Have you noticed that you can go about your day with a sense of anxiety that flares up on an incremental basis? Even as our minds get busy, the physical sensations of anxiety such as muscle tension, tightness in the chest or stomach, fluttering heartbeat are still present. Every few moments our minds do a "check in" to be sure that all systems are functioning properly. When the mind locates the symptoms of anxiety it sends off a "code red" and all of the symptoms feel exacerbated.

The practice of mindfulness can help with this. Mindfulness is defined as a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you exist solely in the moment, noticing what is going on right then to the fullest. The practice of acceptance goes along with mindfulness. In acceptance you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Acceptance is the act of acknowledging the existence of the feeling or sensation without "defining" yourself by it. Instead of saying "I am anxious," notice the physical sensation and acknowledge that it is there. If you have an unpleasant fluttery knot in your stomach, say "there is anxiety" and gently move your awareness back to what you are doing in the moment.

When we resist emotions or physical sensations they rear their ugly heads and demand to be noticed. The sheer energy of them increases due to our increase in attempt to squash them down. Our bodies were made to allow all energy, negative and positive to move through them and to be expressed in some way, whether spoken through communication, burned off through exercise or relaxed away. Acceptance allows our bodies to naturally self correct and allow that energy to pass through us without resistance.

Mindfulness causes you to be fully present. You really focus on your work, you really engage in conversation, you really indulge in the sensations of the cool breeze, warm sun, etc. that are going on around you. Mindfulness is proven to increase our quality of life by improving our physical health (reducing blood pressure and increasing quality of sleep to name a few benefits) and our mental health (decreased rumination, increased ability to handle daily stress) and out relationships (One study showed that people who practice mindfulness deal with relationship stress more constructively. Another study found that those who employ mindfulness have a lower stress response during conflict, while the state of mindfulness was associated with better communication during conflicts.) 

Mindfulness is most frequently associated with a practice of meditation. Even five minutes of meditation daily has been proven to show benefit. You can practice mindfulness in many other ways too. Some of my clients report washing the dishes as being meditative for them, or gardening, or listening to music. Any activity where you can be fully in the moment contributes to your ability to quiet that voice in the mind that causes anxiety.

By being mindful you are not denying your feelings, nor ignoring them. You are integrating them into your "whole self" and allowing your mind to get out of the way so that your body can naturally heal itself.

As a psychotherapist, I help clients daily learn skills to help them better cope with the effects of anxiety on their mind and bodies.  My practice, TRU Integrative Health and Wellness is filled with a team of integrative clinicians to assist in the treatment of anxiety, in addition to the psychotherapy I offer. From massage and yoga to chiropractic care, targeted clinical nutrition and acupuncture, our clinicians can help you increase your quality of life. Please see www.growhealchange.com for more information

Think Like a Therapist: Anxiety

Think Like a Therapist© is your lay source for becoming your own psychotherapist.  Think Like a Therapist© helps you learn about yourself and others as if you were actually in counseling—minus the time and expense. Your session begins now!  Think Like a Therapist© is not a substitute or service for the treatment of any mental health problems.  Please see a clinical mental health professional to address your mental health symptoms and illnesses. Copyright © 2012 Charles O’Connor. All Rights Reserved.

Think Like a Therapist©: Anxiety

So you tell me you’re anxious.  You may know it by the knot in your stomach, the tightness in your chest, the embarrassing sweat rings, or the culprit that keeps your mind racing.  These physiological symptoms, if bad enough, usually warrant a quick visit to your primary care physician and may result in a diagnosis of anxiety accompanied with pharmacological treatment.  There is little to no discussion of alternative interventions.  You cross your fingers and hope that the anti-depressant or anxiolytic medication works, and it may, but what if it doesn’t?  What if you prefer to remain drug-free?  Let’s say you chose to work with me instead, a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC).  How might I understand and treat your anxiety?  Let’s begin.

You Don’t Have to Be Your Emotions

I would first normalize your condition.  After all everyone experiences anxiety; it is a universal response to our individual fears.  You are not alone in your struggles.  You, however, are seeking personal growth to take charge of your anxiety.  You desire to understand the causes and I very much want to help.  You are not just another client; rather, you are a unique individual with a unique life.  For this reason, it is an honor to work with you.

An exploration of the etiology or source of your symptoms might result in an awareness of disavowed feelings, common of which are guilt and shame.  Guilt has to do with regret over personal behavior, seeing yourself at fault.  But are you?  Is your guilt justified?  Are you responsible?  If yes, feelings of guilt can help you right the wrong, allowing you to free yourself from the accompanying anxiety.  Consider this alternative instead: Maybe you are unknowingly accepting the blame for someone else’s offense.  Could I shove you and you would apologize?  If this resonates, then you may be struggling with shame or the lie that you, as a person, are fundamentally bad and therefore unlovable.  Feelings of remorse, inadequacy, loneliness, and rejection are tied to anxiety because of the underlying fear of not being good enough. 

What if you could make amends for your mistakes and invite reconciliation with those you’ve hurt?  What if you could learn to forgive yourself and, even better, love yourself?  What if you could free yourself from the hurt caused by someone else’s transgression?  What if, for once, you are not so quick to forgive?  The good news is that you get to decide.  And since you have chosen to face your anxiety, you can gain something that a pill can never provide: An understanding of how your fears keep you believing that you are someone you are not.

You Don’t Have to Be Your Behavior

A common behavioral response to anxiety is an overwhelming need to dominate oneself or others.  When you attempt to control yourself in a rigid and unforgiving way, compulsions result and represent futile attempts to offset underlying fears.  Common compulsions include excessive or uncontrollable:  eating, cleaning, organizing, video-gaming, exercising, masturbation, sex, drinking, and gambling, among others.  When the opposite occurs, you seek to dominate others through aggressive behavior such as bossing, criticizing, blaming, threatening, and forcing, all of which can escalate into emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.  On the other hand, you may disengage and seek safety by taking little to no authority over your life, leaving yourself susceptible to being manipulated and used.  Those frozen by anxiety wait to be told who and what they are.  Where do you fall?  Are you fair and balanced in how you treat yourself and others?

You Don’t Have to Be Who You Think You Are

If you live a life dominated by fear you might view yourself too highly or too lowly.  Feelings of pride and worthlessness, like domination and submission, are ineffective ways to regulate anxiety.  An accurate self-assessment of your strengths and weaknesses is a helpful way to embrace your positive characteristics while accepting the aspects of yourself that you would like to change.  You don’t have to be perfect; you don’t have to be a failure.  All you need to do is see yourself for who you truly are in the context of who you are becoming or would like to become. 

To conclude, ask yourself, “What are my fears?”—The ones that lead to worrying, doubting, questioning, criticizing, blaming, defending, controlling, obsessing, withdrawing, acting out or maybe not acting at all.  Do you trust in your ability to bring about what you fear the most in you life?  Or do you believe in your ability to recognize, face, and overcome your fears?  Because, after all, a powerful antidote to anxiety is the truth you claim for yourself and your life.    

A State of Disconnection

Last weekend, Rob and I escaped for our "babymoon" to Seagrove Beach, Florida. We've found the perfect little cottage down there for relaxing, recharging, reconnecting, and rejuvenating our spirits and our relationship.

In the midst of turquoise waters, whitewashed sands, and friendly townspeople, I was struck by a sad realization.

On Friday night, we chose one of the local restaurants there for dinner. We were escorted to our table on a rooftop deck overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. With the wind blowing through our hair, we smiled at each other just to be in that wonderful place together at that moment. As we settled in, I surveyed the scene of people around us. Close to our right was a middle aged pair with sour expressions on their faces. The man gazed off into space while the woman. . . wait for it. . . checked her Facebook feed on her phone! Yes, you read that right. I quickly made the assumption that they either must have been fighting, or were perhaps on a first date, the kind set up over the internet that just wasn't going as well in person as either party had hoped. That is, until the woman looked up from her phone to inquire about the contents of my growing belly (quite the cornerstone of conversations these days), and when we were due. She went on to explain that she and her husband there had 4 children together and were down on vacation for a week with the whole family. We were meeting them on their "date night," their chance to get away from the kids while her mother watched them. She seemed much more eager to talk to me than to her husband, and it took a couple of tries to pry away from her and back to my own "date night." 

On our left was a young laughing couple enjoying a couple of beers together. My smile returned, as did my faith in romance and the human ability to appreciate the beauty of a night on the beach until she too brought out her phone. At first the girl tried taking pictures of her beau, which was somewhat endearing to me, and as I could tell, to him as well. As the evening progressed, however, I watched her spend more and more time with the phone, and less and less with her boyfriend; soon his expression matched that of the middle aged man to my right. Again, in voyeuristic fashion, I speculated. Having clearly observed the lack of wedding bands on this young couple's hands, I secretly hoped that the boyfriend would run for the hills, or at least stand up and walk away from the table in response to his date's preoccupation. It couldn't be a good sign in the early stages of a relationship that whatever was on the girl's screen was more interesting to her than him sitting there in front of her. 

Now, I have to admit, I have my phone with me most of the time while I am in Atlanta. And, as part of a bustling city, I don't think much of it that most people around me do the same. Personally, being that I practice psychotherapy, and am the owner of a business,  I want to be available both  for my clients in case of emergency, as well as for potential new business inquiries. I also want to be available for my husband. But sitting on a rooftop overlooking the GULF OF MEXICO with the love of my life. . . I had absolutely no need or interest in my telephone or in anything Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or Foursquare had to offer.

As the weekend progressed, Rob and I noticed this same phenomenon over and over- people drawn away from the present moment and from the living, breathing people right in front of them and the events unfolding where they stood- by the trap of technology. I witnessed adults look more like robots, or awkward teenagers with their faces buried in their Nintendos, that like real people living real lives.

So how long has this disconnection from reality and from each other been present? Is it that I have been so disconnected from my surroundings, myself, that I just haven't noticed this before? Or was it the sharp contrast of the technology against the backdrop of natural perfection and promise of human connection that brought this sad reality to my attention? By the end of the weekend, I wanted to walk up to people, rip their phones out of their hands and tell them to "look around! See what's going on in the world that's right there in front of them!" I wanted to shout at people to stop the madness and plead with them not to let their relationships numb out and glaze over like they were doing in front of their screens! As I type, I recognize how wonderful technology can be. But doesn't it have it's place? And shouldn't that place be limited? Shouldn't we create some internal boundaries for ourselves in order to live more mindful and connected lives, and not let time and experience pass us by while we're tweeting about it?

I could go on and on, but I have probably written too much for a blog post already. Clearly I am passionate about this issue and it's overall effect on our health and wellness- mentally, emotionally, physically, and relationally. Are you?

Logging off,
Katie