Anxiety and the Horrible Breakup

So your relationship is over? Whether it is a divorce, a breakup with a long time partner or the dissolution of something that you felt would have potential, breakups are painful. My clients report being in literal physical pain after a breakup, and many do not know how to soothe the pain or where to turn to get better. Let’s discuss the energy of ending a relationship.

When a relationship ends there is a grieving process that is rivaled only by death. I have heard some say that death might be easier.  I believe it was Alice Cooper that said he felt like  “the man with no skin” after a breakup. This is echoed by my clients over and over. One client stated that she felt like someone had poured gasoline on her and lit her on fire. This is no small pain.

Anxiety prevails alongside the pain as the major emotion that is reported to me. What will I do now? Will she come back? Is it really over? Will I ever really heal? Having to rebuild a life that you thought would be different is a monumental task when you are in pain and twisted in knots with anxiety. Doubting your ability to make decisions and lack of confidence in yourself comes with the blow to the self esteem. Learning who you are all over again seems impossible, since it feels like half of your identity walked out the door.

I have been told that the feeling of grief of losing someone is the same feeling of loving someone. The difference is the story that the brain is telling about the sensation. Since you are already in that energetic space in your body, you can leverage the energy by focusing on something that you love and dwelling on that instead of the lost partner. Learning to shift out of the energy of grief and into the energy of love is very helpful in transforming the pain. Transform the focus from the lost partner to your dog, or your child, or even your wounded self can help change the story your mind is telling your body.

Allowing the pain and anxiety to flow through your body without resistance is so important. If you resist the waves of pain and anxiety they will set up residence in your body and will be unremitting. If you can focus on your body, visualize the pain there as transitory and actually visualize it passing through you you will find some comfort.

Common advice like the “no contact rule” is hard to follow, but I promise if you block their number, unfriend them on Facebook, and give yourself a chance to breathe, you will feel a small surge in anxiety at first, but you will notice a feeling almost like a buffer between you and the energetic tie to the partner. There may be times that feel almost like panic when you realize that those ties of communication are cut, but if you breathe through the panic, and get really grounded (notice the sensations in your body, be aware of what is going on in the moment, feel your feet on the floor) the panic will pass.

Actually determine what your emotional needs are. Do you need to socialize? Friends are a life line during this time. Lean on them and let them meet some of your social needs. Do you need to spend some time in the cave? Stock up on comfort food and Kleenex and give yourself time alone to lick your wounds. Do you need to keep busy? Make some plans to start a project, finish one, or pitch in to help someone else with theirs. Really knowing what you need during this time will help you process the grief.

 When you love someone, what you are really loving is how YOU feel when you think about that person. Given this, know that you can feel that way again about someone else because the feeling comes from within you. During a breakup it is hard to look for the gift. You will know that you are beginning to heal when you notice that you can look at the things you brought out of the relationship that made you stronger, helped you learn to love deeper, or that made you a better communicator.

In some people the discomfort passes quickly, in others it feels that it will never go away. Learning to function with the pain and anxiety is key to moving on and thriving after a breakup. Look for small things that bring you joy, notice the change of the seasons, really tune in to others, looking for things you have in common. Making deep connections with others is an activity that stimulates oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and can help ease the pain for awhile.

You will get better. One day you will wake up and notice that it does not hurt to breathe, or that you are looking forward to your day. When you can tell your story without wanting to cry you will know that healing is taking place. Until then, be very gentle with yourself. You deserve your love!

The anxiety of what your life is going to be like after a breakup is very uncomfortable, but there are a few things you can do to help you to understand the healing process and to ease the discomfort. If you find that the grief if not passing and that you are not able to move on, maybe counseling or life coaching are an option that could help you. TRU Integrative Health and Wellness had psychotherapists and other healers that can help you. See www.growhealchange.com or feel free to call me directly at 770-789-0847 or see my website at www.carolyntuckertherapist.com to set an appointment.

In Sync

So, what do you call it? Synchronicity? Serendipity? Coincidence? God-Incidence? Fate? Happenstance? Miracles?

Just yesterday, I had the pleasure of chatting with brave and fearless individual who talked to me about being ready to learn from his past, heal from his pain, and give back to others. What an inspiration! He held up his wrist and showed me proof of his readiness and dedication: a bright red bracelet that read, "Enough is Enough." Those of you who are regular readers will know that phrase as the title of my last blog post, and obviously a concept that has been heavy on my heart and my mind lately. I shared that with him, and we marveled together over the synchronicity.

This morning, I found my spirit heavily burdened with the existance of a quite unexpected, unfortunate, and very confusing situation that has befallen my personal life. None of my imternal ruminations or conversations with others have yet been able to yield a solution to this conundrum in which I have found myself! Or much comfort, at that! So searching for a dose of inspiration and uplifting, I opened up my email read my daily "Note from the Universe" (http://www.tut.com/). The words I read were so perfect for my struggles, I want to share them with you here:

          "There are only miracles, Katie, and to one degree or another they all soothe, pamper, and enrich. However, to avoid blowing too many minds at once, some are disguised as unpleasant surprises, botched circumstances, and twisted acquaintances that can rarely be seen for who or what they truly are until the pendulum has fully swung. . . Yes. . . don't I think of everything?     Duck! The Universe"

Whew.

A few hours later, I logged on to http://www.seededbuzz.com/ for a little more inspiration and perhaps some ideas for my next blog post, and I come across a small blurb, what the site builders call a "seed," on synchronicity. WOW! You can read the whole "seed" here http://hopedespitedepression.blogspot.com/2010/11/life-is-filled-with-meaningful.html if you would like. The author beautifully reminds us of the frequency with which life brings us synchronicities, and how, if we are present and mindful of ourselves and our circumstances, we can become aware of these synchronicities as heed them as reminders that we are in the flow (no matter how icky it might feel at the time), that we are being guided and nurtured by our higher power, and that we are all the time becoming  more fully connected to one another and to our highest selves.

All we have to do is open up, let go, and allow ourselves to be refined by our experiences.

These thoughts and realizations, these synchronicities, have given my spirit some peace today. I hope they will provide the same for you.

All the Best,
Katie

Enough is Enough

When I was a little girl, I have fond memories of my grandmother pouring me milk in a little cup. Each time she prepared me a drink, she offered me a little dose of independence by telling me to "say when," once she had poured enough. So, each time she poured, I listened to her words, watched intently, and eagerly shouted, "When!" once she reached the imaginary line in the cup which meant to me that I would have enough.

Inevitably, by the time she reached that imaginary line, I shouted, "When!", and she pulled the milk away, I ended up with way too much.

With milk, it was no big deal. Either I drank it, or I left some in the bottom of the glass.

There are other things in life, however, that can feel like a bigger deal when we end up with way too much.

As an adult, sometimes I struggle with knowing when I need to say "When!" It's often hard to speak up when enough really is enough, especially when it comes to things like work, relationships, other committments, and emotional stressors. Sometimes I wait to late to say "When!" and I end up with more work, more committments, more stress, or more relationships struggles than I am able to manage. Sometimes I fail to stay connected to my body and to my emotions and I miss little cues that tell me to slow down or back off. Other times I hear the cues loud and clear, but fail to listen, either because I am too busy, I judge myself for not being able to handle more, or I forget that I'm important enough to be able to set limits to care for myself.

And then there are times when I listen, I hear, and I speak up. And the milk keeps coming. I know I have had enough and that I don't want anymore stress, work, pain, etc. but it comes anyway. Wow! Those are tough times! Those are times that test my resilience, my ability to care for myself and manage my emotions, and my willingness to accept my own powerlessness.

How about you? What do you struggle with when it comes to saying "When!" Is it your self worth? Your ability to be in tune with your own feelings and needs? Your willingness to have your voice heard? Your disbelief that your voice will be heard and heeded?

Enough for now,
Katie

The Rest of the Spectrum

Generally, dissociation is thought of as occurring on a spectrum.

Last post, I talked about the way in which we all use dissociation as a way to conserve energy or take a "mental vacation." That's one end of the spectrum. I also mentioned, however, that sometimes dissociation occurs as a defense or protective mechanism in the face of a perceived or actual threat. As we move through the spectrum, we see dissociative experiences which are more in line with trauma responses.

I think it's time for another operational definition. For the sake of our conversation here, lets define trauma as "an event or experience that, at the time of occurrence, exceeds the range of that which one believe him or herself able to manage." Implied here is the fact that trauma is a subjective experience. What may be traumatic to a child might not be to an adult. What may be traumatic to someone in America may not be to someone in Afghanistan. What may be traumatic to someone with little support network or resources may not be to someone with a network of family, friends, and professional supports. What may be traumatic to me may not be to you.

So, dissociating is one way we humans have to cope with traumatic experiences- those experiences beyond that which we believe ourselves able to manage. When something happens to us that is so bad we can't manage it in it's entirety, we may dissociate. Some trauma survivors report having checked out, fuzzed out, or blacked out at the time of the trauma. Others report feeling as though they left their body and were standing beside themselves or floating above. Some report experiencing a split of self through which one part of self experienced the trauma, but not all of self. Sometimes we dissociate an aspect of our experience but not the whole experience, for example: being able to see the trauma as it unfolds, but not hear sounds, feel somatic sensations, or experience the accompanying emotions. In these cases, the dissociation is protective. It allows our experience to be managed, to be lived through, by limiting our awareness of it. In the cases of extreme or prolonged trauma, this dissociation may be so significant that entire occurrences, events, or parts of self may become unknown.

Long after a trauma has "ended," individuals may still dissociate when they are reminded of the trauma. These reminders are called triggers. They come in many different forms. Stay tuned!!!

Katie

Why We Do It

So now that we have a working definition of dissociation, and we know that we all do it, the next logical question seems to be, "why?"

Each of us uses dissociation on a frequent basis as a way to conserve energy or take a mental break. A perfect example of this, one with which most of us will be able to identify, is that of driving home. How many of you find yourself kinda zoned out on your daily drive to and from work? How many of you have ever gotten home and thought to yourself, "wow, that was quick," and not had a coherent memory of every inch of your journey?

Or here's another one. Ever found yourself in a classroom setting, a business meeting, or even a boring conversation with a friend and felt yourself kind of fuzzing out? Maybe the speaker's voice seemed like it was getting farther away. . .Maybe your vision seemed to blur almost as if you were crossing your eyes. . . Maybe you caught yourself out in "la la land" and realized that you couldn't remember what the person you were supposed to be listening to had said last. . .

These are some examples of normal, every day dissociation. After reading these, you can probably think of more from your own experience.

Other times, dissocation occurs as a defense or protective mechanism in the face of a percieved or actual threat. This type of dissociation is more closely linked with trauma. I'll talk more about that, but am going to sign off for now. I want to keep you interested in this really interesting topic! (And plus, I think long blogs are boring :) I don't want you checkin' out on me!)

Can you share any times when you have caught yourself zoning out or dissociation as a way of conserving energy or taking a mental vacation?

All the Best,
Katie

Here We Go! Some of My Thoughts on Dissociation. . .

Wow! We're going straight for the tough questions!

On July 15th, Amber wrote, "I want to know about dissociation and it's spectrum. How does it effect different people differently? What does that look like/feel like?"

Great question! And one that does not come with a quick or easy answer! The phenomenon of dissociation has been studied for decades. The scholarly literature is riddled with leading trauma therorists, therapists, and researchers discussing and debating dissociation. Does it exist? Why does it happen? How does it start? Can it be treated? Will it ever go away? How is it dissociation different from psychosis?

So let's start with the basics. In order to discuss, we need to know what it is we're talking about. What is dissociation?

For the sake of our conversation, let's define dissociation as the lack or loss of connection with a momentary reality.

Implied in our definition is that in order to have a dissociative experience, one must first be connected to reality. This connection to reality can occur as physical sensations, emotional experiences, and thought processes including orientation to time, place, person, and situation. Then, for some reason, that connection to reality is lost. This loss can be short-lived and can return within moments, hours, days, or can be more enduring as in the case of dissociated memories of past experiences.

With me so far?

Okay, so here comes the kicker: WE ALL DO IT.

Did you know you were dissociative?

To be continued. . .

This is fun!
Katie

Why Blog?

It seems like everywhere I turn lately, I run into advice to blog. Friends, colleagues, clients, books, magazines, and emails all tout the benefits of blogging for creating and maintaining a thriving practice. So, here I sit, at my computer, attempting to blog.

But what to write about?

I have some ideas of my own, but I'd rather hear from you. Knowing what you know about you and about me, what do you want to "talk" about?

What questions do you have about therapy?
What questions do you have about trauma and post-traumatic experiences?
What questions do you have about grounding? Self-care? Emotional regulation?
What questions do you have about the mind-body integration?
How could this blog be most helpful and supportive to you?

I really want to know!

All my best,
Katie