Saturday, July 7, 2012

A State of Disconnection

Last weekend, Rob and I escaped for our "babymoon" to Seagrove Beach, Florida. We've found the perfect little cottage down there for relaxing, recharging, reconnecting, and rejuvenating our spirits and our relationship.

In the midst of turquoise waters, whitewashed sands, and friendly townspeople, I was struck by a sad realization.

On Friday night, we chose one of the local restaurants there for dinner. We were escorted to our table on a rooftop deck overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. With the wind blowing through our hair, we smiled at each other just to be in that wonderful place together at that moment. As we settled in, I surveyed the scene of people around us. Close to our right was a middle aged pair with sour expressions on their faces. The man gazed off into space while the woman. . . wait for it. . . checked her Facebook feed on her phone! Yes, you read that right. I quickly made the assumption that they either must have been fighting, or were perhaps on a first date, the kind set up over the internet that just wasn't going as well in person as either party had hoped. That is, until the woman looked up from her phone to inquire about the contents of my growing belly (quite the cornerstone of conversations these days), and when we were due. She went on to explain that she and her husband there had 4 children together and were down on vacation for a week with the whole family. We were meeting them on their "date night," their chance to get away from the kids while her mother watched them. She seemed much more eager to talk to me than to her husband, and it took a couple of tries to pry away from her and back to my own "date night." 

On our left was a young laughing couple enjoying a couple of beers together. My smile returned, as did my faith in romance and the human ability to appreciate the beauty of a night on the beach until she too brought out her phone. At first the girl tried taking pictures of her beau, which was somewhat endearing to me, and as I could tell, to him as well. As the evening progressed, however, I watched her spend more and more time with the phone, and less and less with her boyfriend; soon his expression matched that of the middle aged man to my right. Again, in voyeuristic fashion, I speculated. Having clearly observed the lack of wedding bands on this young couple's hands, I secretly hoped that the boyfriend would run for the hills, or at least stand up and walk away from the table in response to his date's preoccupation. It couldn't be a good sign in the early stages of a relationship that whatever was on the girl's screen was more interesting to her than him sitting there in front of her. 

Now, I have to admit, I have my phone with me most of the time while I am in Atlanta. And, as part of a bustling city, I don't think much of it that most people around me do the same. Personally, being that I practice psychotherapy, and am the owner of a business,  I want to be available both  for my clients in case of emergency, as well as for potential new business inquiries. I also want to be available for my husband. But sitting on a rooftop overlooking the GULF OF MEXICO with the love of my life. . . I had absolutely no need or interest in my telephone or in anything Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or Foursquare had to offer.

As the weekend progressed, Rob and I noticed this same phenomenon over and over- people drawn away from the present moment and from the living, breathing people right in front of them and the events unfolding where they stood- by the trap of technology. I witnessed adults look more like robots, or awkward teenagers with their faces buried in their Nintendos, that like real people living real lives.

So how long has this disconnection from reality and from each other been present? Is it that I have been so disconnected from my surroundings, myself, that I just haven't noticed this before? Or was it the sharp contrast of the technology against the backdrop of natural perfection and promise of human connection that brought this sad reality to my attention? By the end of the weekend, I wanted to walk up to people, rip their phones out of their hands and tell them to "look around! See what's going on in the world that's right there in front of them!" I wanted to shout at people to stop the madness and plead with them not to let their relationships numb out and glaze over like they were doing in front of their screens! As I type, I recognize how wonderful technology can be. But doesn't it have it's place? And shouldn't that place be limited? Shouldn't we create some internal boundaries for ourselves in order to live more mindful and connected lives, and not let time and experience pass us by while we're tweeting about it?

I could go on and on, but I have probably written too much for a blog post already. Clearly I am passionate about this issue and it's overall effect on our health and wellness- mentally, emotionally, physically, and relationally. Are you?

Logging off,
Katie


5 comments:

  1. I am with you 100%. Technology has brought us closer to each other (FaceTime with my daughter in London warms my heart) and separated us if we allow it to. What can be more important than the person sitting across the table from you? AND, if it is so, perhaps you are sitting in the wrong place.
    I feel it is disrespectful and disheartening when someone checks their phone a half dozen times while conversing. We have lost our manners somewhere along the way!

    Thanks for speaking up- I wish more people felt the way you do. If my phone rings, I check it to be sure it's not a pressing matter and apologize to whoever I am with for the interruption. How impersonal we have become!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's a cultural phenomenon and a compulsive behavior we as a culture have developed... When I lead my weekend retreats for women it is very challenging to have the women agree to turn off and put away their phones and ipads during the weekend. Social media and texting has become the new means of connection among adolescents as well. It's not uncommon in my house to see all three of my teenage children and their friends all in one room looking down at their phones reading and/or typing.... I'm not sure what is to be done about it rather just bring awareness...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would like to offer an alternate view and suggest that, while we can't help but have opinions about the behavior of others, we have no right to decide what is right for everyone else or make assumptions about their motives from superficial observation. Statements like "Shouldn't we create some internal boundaries for ourselves in order to live more mindful and connected lives," or "How impersonal we have become!" reek of judgmental self-righteousness. Every generation brings something new for critics to wring their hands about, whether it's Elvis Presley, MTV, or tattoos, and there probably are more things to come that we haven't even imagined. I believe only I am in a position to determine whether the person sitting across from me is right for me. Whether that person is important to me is not necessarily determined by whether I'm gazing into his eyes or doing a crossword puzzle or even checking Facebook. If the blogger is too enchanted with being with the love of her life by the Gulf of Mexico to think of her cell phone, why is she thinking about anybody else's cell phones, let alone fantasizing about ripping them out of their owners' hands? After over 36 years of marriage, my husband & I have had plenty of conversation and mutual enjoyment and intimacy and are perfectly able to decide for ourselves if our lives are mindful enough. Our college-age tech-savvy grandsons are funny, thoughtful and compassionate, and far from impersonal, despite their tendency to text at odd moments. I believe that thing we learned in graduate school about client self-determination could be applied to the world at large. I believe our job in the world is to learn to be aware of and manage our own behavior. That's hard enough!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I respectfully have to disagree with your assessment of what the author is communicating here. I live in a large city as well and find myself in dating situations only to be disheartened by the distractions of my dating partners because of their cell phones. While you can't argue that we live in a society which has become so dependent upon technology, I think it is very debatable whether or not younger generations still make efforts to master the art of simply talking to one-another or even enjoying each other at the beach. Communication is sort of central to all relationships, and as technology becomes larger parts of our lives, some things suffer unfortunately. I believe that for someone like you and me to make a comment about what someone else should or shouldn't do may come across as being judgmental, but a person who is in the psychotherapy profession and devotes her time to helping others in their relationships is certainly justified in making every point that the author made, in my opinion. For someone to suggest the author is judgmental and self-righteous based on professional opinion and experience may be going a bit far in my mind, and I agree with everything she said and miss the days of people simply enjoying the people they are with.

      Delete
  4. This last comment is interesting to me. . . while I embrace an alternate point of view, I have difficulty with the accusation that my musings reek of judgmental self-righteousness. By hurling such terms after my personal thoughts and opinions, isn't this author being a bit of a pot calling the kettle black?

    This comment leaves me wishing for a dialogue where we can agree to disagree and share our own opinions without tearing down each other's. This blog is for open sharing and exploring together, not for arguing over what's right and what's wrong, or for putting one another down for having an experience that is different from our own.

    Let's work together on this forum toward peaceful interaction and respectful dialogue.

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.