So your relationship is over?
Whether it is a divorce, a breakup with a long time partner or the
dissolution of something that you felt would have potential, breakups
are painful. My clients report being in literal physical pain after a
breakup, and many do not know how to soothe the pain or where to turn to
get better. Let’s discuss the energy of ending a relationship.
When a relationship ends
there is a grieving process that is rivaled only by death. I have heard
some say that death might be easier. I believe it was Alice Cooper that
said he felt like “the man with no skin” after a breakup. This is
echoed by my clients over and over. One client stated that she felt like
someone had poured gasoline on her and lit her on fire. This is no
small pain.
Anxiety prevails alongside
the pain as the major emotion that is reported to me. What will I do
now? Will she come back? Is it really over? Will I ever really heal?
Having to rebuild a life that you thought would be different is a
monumental task when you are in pain and twisted in knots with anxiety.
Doubting your ability to make decisions and lack of confidence in
yourself comes with the blow to the self esteem. Learning who you are
all over again seems impossible, since it feels like half of your
identity walked out the door.
I have been told that the
feeling of grief of losing someone is the same feeling of loving
someone. The difference is the story that the brain is telling about the
sensation. Since you are already in that energetic space in your body,
you can leverage the energy by focusing on something that you love and
dwelling on that instead of the lost partner. Learning to shift out of
the energy of grief and into the energy of love is very helpful in
transforming the pain. Transform the focus from the lost partner to your
dog, or your child, or even your wounded self can help change the story
your mind is telling your body.
Allowing the pain and anxiety
to flow through your body without resistance is so important. If you
resist the waves of pain and anxiety they will set up residence in your
body and will be unremitting. If you can focus on your body, visualize
the pain there as transitory and actually visualize it passing through
you you will find some comfort.
Common advice like the “no
contact rule” is hard to follow, but I promise if you block their
number, unfriend them on Facebook, and give yourself a chance to
breathe, you will feel a small surge in anxiety at first, but you will
notice a feeling almost like a buffer between you and the energetic tie
to the partner. There may be times that feel almost like panic when you
realize that those ties of communication are cut, but if you breathe
through the panic, and get really grounded (notice the sensations in
your body, be aware of what is going on in the moment, feel your feet on
the floor) the panic will pass.
Actually determine what your
emotional needs are. Do you need to socialize? Friends are a life line
during this time. Lean on them and let them meet some of your social
needs. Do you need to spend some time in the cave? Stock up on comfort
food and Kleenex and give yourself time alone to lick your wounds. Do
you need to keep busy? Make some plans to start a project, finish one,
or pitch in to help someone else with theirs. Really knowing what you
need during this time will help you process the grief.
When you love someone, what
you are really loving is how YOU feel when you think about that person.
Given this, know that you can feel that way again about someone else
because the feeling comes from within you. During a breakup it is hard
to look for the gift. You will know that you are beginning to heal when
you notice that you can look at the things you brought out of the
relationship that made you stronger, helped you learn to love deeper, or
that made you a better communicator.
In some people the discomfort
passes quickly, in others it feels that it will never go away. Learning
to function with the pain and anxiety is key to moving on and thriving
after a breakup. Look for small things that bring you joy, notice the
change of the seasons, really tune in to others, looking for things you
have in common. Making deep connections with others is an activity that
stimulates oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and can help ease the pain for
awhile.
You will get better. One day
you will wake up and notice that it does not hurt to breathe, or that
you are looking forward to your day. When you can tell your story
without wanting to cry you will know that healing is taking place. Until
then, be very gentle with yourself. You deserve your love!
The anxiety of what your life
is going to be like after a breakup is very uncomfortable, but there
are a few things you can do to help you to understand the healing
process and to ease the discomfort. If you find that the grief if not
passing and that you are not able to move on, maybe counseling or life
coaching are an option that could help you. TRU Integrative Health and Wellness had psychotherapists and other healers that can help you. See www.growhealchange.com or feel free to call me directly at
770-789-0847 or see my website at www.carolyntuckertherapist.com to set an appointment.